A week on from my second Zen retreat

17/02/19

Nearly a week on from the Zen retreat, am I back to myself?

Well the truth is that I’m never going to know because i’m not sure whats missing or what has changed.

The past and the future did disappear and there still pretty much gone. I don’t really remember how i used to view them.

Memories pop up regarding my childhood but I am aware that the memories arise in the present. Thoughts pop up about july, but I am aware that they arise now.

I try to imagine the past and the future, but there is a block, a kind of strong aversion. It maybe possible to do so, but I don’t want to push my mind to see if it can do it.
As for the self. On the Monday after the retreat when I examined the self and all I sensed was empty space, perhaps with a tinge of a smile. There was a body and some subtle thoughts and emotions that drifted past but the body was empty. There was no sense of self.

As the week progressed I become aware of body sensations again. They became more numerous and more frequent. Slowly over time the empty space that was the sense of self has begun to fill up with the heaviness of body sensations.

So now when I ask what is the self, they mind answers by returning body sensations. I can only assume that the mind now considers itself the body.
So when examining my sense of self it now longer feels empty. At least now I have memory or what it feels like to be on each side of a particular curtain.

I don’t know whether I’m disappointed or relieved that somethings have gone back to the way they were.

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